Am I too much?
It was a fear that popped up out of no where. A concern that annoyed me until became a realisation that plagued on all of my insecurities.
I have a previous post titled “Enough”, published sometime last year, and that had been written in celebration of the fact that the person that you are should be enough for the people around you and more importantly, to yourself.
But is there such a thing as being too much? Caring too deeply? Feeling too strongly?
And does that scare people away? And if it scares them away, does that mean that they were never meant to be in your life in the first place? Or is that just another lie that we have been conditioned to tell ourselves, in order to shed the blame from ourselves?
Is that what I was doing? Projecting the blame outwards so that I would not have to look inside me, to see what the problem really was?
I had so many questions and no one to answer them. For once, Google was simply not good enough. For once I had no one else to question but myself.
And so I sat down with myself, by myself and reflected. What exactly did I want to hear?
But why? I asked myself. Why did nothing stick in my life? Even good, sound advice from loved one? Everything that had ever made me happy always managed to slide right off, almost as though my life was made of Teflon.
Surely it had to be me. I mean, I was the common denominator in all this. There simply had to something wrong with me. Why did I have to care so much anyway?
I wanted someone to tell me that I wasn’t too much. And even if I was, it shouldn’t matter and I should be loved just like that. I wanted someone to make me feel better about myself, to reassure me that I wasn’t just enough, That I wasn’t too much. That I was just right.
And I sat there, knowing that my friends had me this when I had asked them earlier . They had told me those words, in an effort to reassure me, but somehow, it just wasn’t good enough. It was almost as though I needed that person that had made me feel this way to say it for me to believe it.
Here I was, wondering if I was too much for someone else when the real issue was the fact that I didn’t feel like I was enough for myself.
I was worried about what someone else thought of me because I didn’t think enough of myself. Because if I did, I would have realised straightaway that me being this way, me caring too much, too deeply, too strongly, did not make me too much. It merely made me, me. And if I was okay with being me, then I would not be worried about the fact this other person thought that I was too much.
I had thought that I had come to accept and love myself. I had thought that I had battled my demons and won. But now I realise that accepting and loving yourself is a never-ending battle. People will come into your life that will make your question your core beliefs, your belief in the world and most importantly, your belief in yourself.
But what must be realised is the fact that it’s not about them. It’s about you. If you love yourself and are not too much for yourself, then to hell to what other people think.
Don’t get me wrong. People will always try to enforce the way they feel about you on you but I guess this is one of the moments in life where being made of Teflon would come in handy. Let it all slide. Look them in the eyes an own your “too much”
And finally, never try to dim your light because you feel like it would make others squint. Say what you want and say what you mean. If they can’t handle that, that is not your fault.
So go out there and be you, whatever that may be- too much, too little, or perhaps just enough.
Because all that really matters is remaining happy with yourself.